Therapy

In an earlier post I mentioned how I planned on writing about how I deal with stress and the results of what I do to ease it.  Well that’s exactly what this post will be dealing with.

Currently, my well stress/anxiety level is through the roof. This post may seem as if someone is causing all of this, not the case, its just myself and how I am handling the situation. So, how am I handling that right now? Well, writing this post. The first few posts I made to this blog, I realized afterwards that I felt much better. I took a lot of stuff out because it sounded repetative and well sounded way too sappy, which I am trying to avoid here, but this post might turn out that way so just work with me here.

I don’t know where to begin without going into details that I don’t feel comfortable sharing with the world or making other people feel uncomfortable. I’ve said before that life has been challenging for me lately and it’s amazing though, that I can pin point the exact day when everything started changing. Was it anyone elses fault? No, it was all my own and if there were any way possible I could go back in time and stop myself from messing up the way I did, I wouldn’t hesitate at all. Granted, things may not be exactly how I hoped they would be, but I know for sure they would be a lot better.

Why do I say that? Well, actions of mine have blown my chances of being with someone that I can honestly say means more to me than anyone has in a while. Yeah, I’m not trying to sound obsessive here, but really this girl really does. After my last real relationship, I pretty much cut myself off from opening up to anyone for fear of being hurt like that again. Amazingly, from out of no where this girl came in and flipped my world upside down. I didn’t see it coming but it happened, and slowly but surely I started to trust and open up again.

Sadly, bad timing kind of lead to things not really going any further, which knowing the whole situation you would completely understand. Well, this lead to a boneheaded mistake by yours truly, which pretty much complicated things even further. Ok, didnt completely squash any chances, but it surely didn’t help. This is where I realize everything changed and it makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Things just aren’t the same anymore. They feel totally different. I mean yeah we’re still close with one another, but just little things we used to say or do no longer happen and it, to put it bluntly, sucks. Me being jealous, I’m sure didn’t help with any of this, but that’s something I realized and have tried to not let get to me so much.

I can’t beat myself up over all this, but it’s hard not to when it feels like this situation I’m currently in is almost solely because of my actions. I’m just lost in all of this. Ok, so I know that us being together isn’t going to happen right now, I’ve accepted that but more than anything I just wish I knew if there were still something there. Some sort of feelings or wanting something when the time is right. One day it feels like, yeah there totally is, and the next it just feels like there’s nothing. Yeah, this may all be in my head and I have nothing to worry about, but it’s hard not to think that way sometimes. I really wish I could just grab her in my arms tell her (please excuse the horrible cheesiness you are about to read) how much I care about her and just kiss her. Yeah, cheesy and a little dorky but whatever. I miss that, even if we weren’t together, those little moments like that I miss almost more than anything. It does feel like I’m loosing a friend, I wouldn’t say being pushed away, but it does feel like things are changing and not in a way that makes me happy.

It won’t change us being together or not, but just things like that make things feel so much better. Maybe one day things will go back to that way. If not, well that’s how it is. She’s always going to be close to me, but at the end of the day, I wish they were different. You don’t find many people like her out there, and it blows my mind how well I was able to screw things up. Seriously, even when I try not to, I somehow find a way to screw it up. It’s what I’m good at I guess. Sadly, I think it’s the fact that I can be totally oblivious to the world and what others are thinking or trying to hint at. I’m my own worst enemy is what it all boils down to.

So, with all that being said, and I’m sure there will be more on this in future posts, having written all this out does seem to have helped with my anxiety/stress. O.K., not a whole lot, but I definitely do feel better than I did when I first started this post. It feels relaxing to write out what I’ve been trying to figure out in my head and lay it all out on paper and kind of sort it all out. It’s very therapeutic to be able to go back and read everything I wrote out and think to myself, O.K. what can I take from this? What sounds weird or out there and what makes sense, and then do what I can to fix the situation or to at least get to a place where I feel better.

At the end of the day, things may not be how I envisioned them at the beginning of the year, but it is what it is. I just wish there were a way to know for sure how someone felt. Oh well, that’s life, and it’ll get better. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I’ve just got to hang in there and eventually things will turn out for the best.