It’s Been A While

Ok, so I failed miserably at keeping up with my blog on a regular basis.  Go figure. Not really surprising to anyone, myself included. But hey, I’m back now so lets try and get caught up with what’s been going on and how ive been doing.

First the race I mentioned in my last post. Sadly, did not meet my goal of running under 25 minutes. However, I did finish 2nd out of my age group and tenth overall. So,  the time was crap in my own eyes but hey a top ten finish? Yeah,  ill take it.  My friend Meredith, on the other hand did beat her goal.  She wanted to run in under 45 minutes,  and this was her first race ever,  ran it in 38 minutes! Great time for her and for a first race. Now I just need to find a new race to train for.

So, how am I mentally lately? Well, there’s good days and there are bad days. Yeah sounds about like every other post but I’m just trying to be honest with my self. I guess ive come to terms with most of whats going on and accepted it for what it is. Or well trying to at least.
Part of the problem may just be me. As a matter of fact I’m pretty sure that it is.  I do have a habit of taking things the wrong way, over-analyzing things, or just simply worrying about nothing. So there’s a chance that part of what I worry about is all in my head and while things aren’t the way they were, everything is still ok. I am scared that, that closeness that used to be there is slowly falling apart. Again I’d put my money on it being all in my head and all on me, but it is hard to ignore that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach somtimes. But,  I guess all I can do is try and stay positive and trust that everything is going to be ok. That isbhard for me to do butbik trying at least. And the more I think about it, i really am ok. Not 100 percent but heyim doing better than I was at least the more I think about it. So, all this may sound a little sally or what not but eh whatever. I’m going to be fine! Just got to keep telling myself that. So, in summation not perfect, but working on staying positive. Guess I couldvr said that to begin with but sometimes feels good to let it out haha.

As for everything else going on? Well nothing I can really do at this point other than wait and grow up and be a man when the time comes. As nerve wrecking as all of it is I have faith that I will be ok with what’s happening.

Moving on, the morning show I now have has been going great. Is it the best thing out there? No, but I enjoy and love what I do. I can tell I’m getting better and that people are listening so that’s a step forward at least.  And if any of you reading this may be listeners,  feel free to give suggestions. The only way to improve is to be able to accept criticism. If anything,  this is a great learning experience for me and will help me out so much with whatever my future my hold professionally.

The hours may being and with winter coming up, they’re only going to get longer. But, I love what I do so I wont complain too much about the hours.  If anything whatever I may do in the future,  the days are going to fly by. 

Ok,  so current song o’ choice for this post? I know I’m going to be relentlessly mocked and made fun of for saying this, but I’m going with Coldplays “The Scientist.”  “Wow, really Noah? The Scientist,??? What the hell??” Yes, that’s what I said. I know its such a sad sounding song,  but man it just gets to me everytime I hear it. Why, eh well I’m not going to get all deep and blah, blah, blah again. Already did that once in this post, and figured once would be all you would be able to stand. But,  Cliff’s Notes version, it basically sums up what I wish I could do….go back to the start. That may or may not be the true meaning behind lyrics, but that’s what I take from it. Its been said before but yes, I would go back and change things. Ill leave it at that. And if you’ve never heard the song? Go and listen to it. You may hate me after you listen to it, but oh well, just focus on the lyircs. It is a well written song.  Again this is my opinion and can understand if you don’t agree. Heck,  I expect you not to.

Ill try and post again soon, so take that for what its worth considering its been over a month between posts, but I will try and keep everyone updated and let you know what’s going on.  Thanks for listening.

Edit: next post I promise to leave out so much of thesenlife problems or whatever. Hoping to evolve this into something more!

Seriously Noah???

Ok so this first part I’m going to try and make as brief and quick as possible… But I knew I was an idiot, but after this afternoon I dont know. I mean I realize I don’t fully think something through before I do it until its too late. I really don’t know how else to expand on that other than I’m an idiot. I hurt someone that means the world to me and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve said I’m sorry and I can’t keep beating myself up over it, it’s just hard not to.
Sorry of this isn’t making a lot of sense, just struggling with what I want to say today. I can’t keep saying I’m sorry because that won’t help anything, but still being stupid and hurting people I care about isn’t exactly something I enjoy doing.

Anyways, next couple of weekends are hopefully going to be a great time. Heading to Raleigh this weekend for a race which I can’t wait for. Plus I’ll get to see my sister, who I haven’t seen in a while, and also just get put of Boone for a couple of days.

Then next weekend, yes, oh yes, app vs ecu down in Greenville! The fact that it’s down in Greenville, 30 minutes from my hometown is even more exciting. This is something I’ve been looking forward to for a while now, even though I wasn’t sure of I was going or not I was determined to find a way. Lucky for me, my fried Meredith offered Me her extra ticket, which I can’t thank her enough for. So, I’m excited about the next two weekends and the mini roadtrip.

So, I may be sitting in the Pirate club section during the football game and have to deal with a ton of shit talking, but you know, I grew up a state fan….it’s nothing new to me. I’ll be at the game, and well it’ll be worth it.

Sorry for the short post but I just wanted to get something posted tonight and if it’s repetitive, again sorry. It’s been a rough day and my nerves are just shot. I’ll try and post again soon.

Better Late Than Never

Ok so yeah, its been a little while since my last post. Sorry about that,  I swear I’m trying to get into a habit with this.

So what’d new in the world of Noah? Well,  not a whole lot actually.  Still about the same.  I’m just taking it one day at a time and doing the best that I can.  Ive still been keeping up with my running and I feel as if I’m gettiing better than I have been in a long time. I still have a long ways to go to get back to where I was and honestly I’m not sure if I ever will be back to where I was in high school, but I’m sure as heck going to try!  My real test will be in a couple of weeks when I head down to Raleigh to run my first true 5k race in a long time with a friend of mine.  If I can run it in under 20 minutes I’m going to be thrilled, however a more realistic goal is 25 minutes. Either way I’m going to be happy if I beat either one of those goals.

So a new element I started in my last post was taking a song and well basically analyzing it and show how it applies to my life and what ive been going through the last few months.  Now today’s choice all the lyrics may not apply to me or I really don’t relate to but the general gist of the song does.  Today’s choice is Box Car Racers “I Feel So”

I’m not going to writeboutbalk the lyrics or anything like that, so just go here and the lyrics are there.  Basically the song is about wanting to start over and how they feel at the moment.  Clearly if you know me or about some of the stuff going on in my life right now you’d understand why I’d want to start over. 

Just to clarify the chorus talks of feeling used, cheap, and callous….not how I feel. But mad, angry, lost, confused yes…very much so. Not mad or angry at anyone other than myself for being in the situations that I am currently in.  I first listened to this song about a month ago, after having not listened to it in forever.  As soon as I heard it I contected with it. The song just seemed to almost describe me perfectly.  I don’t really know why but hearing this song does make me feel better. Yes, I know that at this point in time things are the way they are and I cant change the past, but still I listen to this song and I realize that ultimately, I am the one who has the ability to change my situation. Ok, so one of the things going on there is no
way I can change, but everything else?  Well to an extent yes. I do have the power to get to where I want to be.  Its going to take time, a lot of work, and yes some faith, but I do believe I will get there. Eventually, and at the end of the day, I know that it will be worth it.

Quick Update

OK, so this is just going to be a fairly quick post, as compared to the others that I have made. I’m just trying to get into the habit of posting to my blog 2 to 3 times per week.

So an update from my last blog. Feeling better, not sure why, just am. Not 100 % but hey I’ll take any improvement that I can get. I’m going to credit my starting to run again with that. 3 days in a row this week so far, and I plan on going again Thursday and Friday if the weather holds up. It really does help to soothe the soul and clear the head to just get out there and run. For that 30 minutes to an hour that I’m out there, nothing else exists, except for me and the music. Nothing else. Which brings me to what I wanted to talk about in today’s post.

Music. Those days when I can’t get outside and run, I’ve found that music can help me through any situation. Ok, so there are those songs that I’ll listen to and damn near bring me to tears. I can’t help it, a good song with well written lyrics just speaks to me

On the other hand, there are those songs that just make me realize that things are going to be fine with everything that’s going on. Example; Allman Brothers “Midnight Rider,” yes, it may have not a thing to do with what’s happening right now, but just the tune of the song alone just relaxes me and I just see myself driving along the beach on a cool summers day. No worries, no troubles, just freedom. That’s what I picture whenever I hear that song. Freedom from everything. I put that song on repeat on the way home from my run this evening, and by the time I was home, I was in a pretty good place. I wasn’t really in a bad place I guess but it just eased my nerves a little.

This whole analyzing a song might be something I try to add to the blog. Just another dimension to what this is going to be all about. Its another way to cope with anxiety and stress and all that fun stuff. Overall, long day, little stressed, but not bad. This is something I will try to do every time, just end with a positive message, quote or something that I find. Who knows, it may help any of you who may be reading this. I forget where it came from nbut here’s today’s quote…..”You can do anything, as long as you don’t give up on yourself.”

Therapy

In an earlier post I mentioned how I planned on writing about how I deal with stress and the results of what I do to ease it.  Well that’s exactly what this post will be dealing with.

Currently, my well stress/anxiety level is through the roof. This post may seem as if someone is causing all of this, not the case, its just myself and how I am handling the situation. So, how am I handling that right now? Well, writing this post. The first few posts I made to this blog, I realized afterwards that I felt much better. I took a lot of stuff out because it sounded repetative and well sounded way too sappy, which I am trying to avoid here, but this post might turn out that way so just work with me here.

I don’t know where to begin without going into details that I don’t feel comfortable sharing with the world or making other people feel uncomfortable. I’ve said before that life has been challenging for me lately and it’s amazing though, that I can pin point the exact day when everything started changing. Was it anyone elses fault? No, it was all my own and if there were any way possible I could go back in time and stop myself from messing up the way I did, I wouldn’t hesitate at all. Granted, things may not be exactly how I hoped they would be, but I know for sure they would be a lot better.

Why do I say that? Well, actions of mine have blown my chances of being with someone that I can honestly say means more to me than anyone has in a while. Yeah, I’m not trying to sound obsessive here, but really this girl really does. After my last real relationship, I pretty much cut myself off from opening up to anyone for fear of being hurt like that again. Amazingly, from out of no where this girl came in and flipped my world upside down. I didn’t see it coming but it happened, and slowly but surely I started to trust and open up again.

Sadly, bad timing kind of lead to things not really going any further, which knowing the whole situation you would completely understand. Well, this lead to a boneheaded mistake by yours truly, which pretty much complicated things even further. Ok, didnt completely squash any chances, but it surely didn’t help. This is where I realize everything changed and it makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Things just aren’t the same anymore. They feel totally different. I mean yeah we’re still close with one another, but just little things we used to say or do no longer happen and it, to put it bluntly, sucks. Me being jealous, I’m sure didn’t help with any of this, but that’s something I realized and have tried to not let get to me so much.

I can’t beat myself up over all this, but it’s hard not to when it feels like this situation I’m currently in is almost solely because of my actions. I’m just lost in all of this. Ok, so I know that us being together isn’t going to happen right now, I’ve accepted that but more than anything I just wish I knew if there were still something there. Some sort of feelings or wanting something when the time is right. One day it feels like, yeah there totally is, and the next it just feels like there’s nothing. Yeah, this may all be in my head and I have nothing to worry about, but it’s hard not to think that way sometimes. I really wish I could just grab her in my arms tell her (please excuse the horrible cheesiness you are about to read) how much I care about her and just kiss her. Yeah, cheesy and a little dorky but whatever. I miss that, even if we weren’t together, those little moments like that I miss almost more than anything. It does feel like I’m loosing a friend, I wouldn’t say being pushed away, but it does feel like things are changing and not in a way that makes me happy.

It won’t change us being together or not, but just things like that make things feel so much better. Maybe one day things will go back to that way. If not, well that’s how it is. She’s always going to be close to me, but at the end of the day, I wish they were different. You don’t find many people like her out there, and it blows my mind how well I was able to screw things up. Seriously, even when I try not to, I somehow find a way to screw it up. It’s what I’m good at I guess. Sadly, I think it’s the fact that I can be totally oblivious to the world and what others are thinking or trying to hint at. I’m my own worst enemy is what it all boils down to.

So, with all that being said, and I’m sure there will be more on this in future posts, having written all this out does seem to have helped with my anxiety/stress. O.K., not a whole lot, but I definitely do feel better than I did when I first started this post. It feels relaxing to write out what I’ve been trying to figure out in my head and lay it all out on paper and kind of sort it all out. It’s very therapeutic to be able to go back and read everything I wrote out and think to myself, O.K. what can I take from this? What sounds weird or out there and what makes sense, and then do what I can to fix the situation or to at least get to a place where I feel better.

At the end of the day, things may not be how I envisioned them at the beginning of the year, but it is what it is. I just wish there were a way to know for sure how someone felt. Oh well, that’s life, and it’ll get better. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I’ve just got to hang in there and eventually things will turn out for the best.

Birthday Celebration Weekend

Sorry for no updates last couple of days. Its just been extremely busy at work and outside of it. But I finally made it to the weekend and even though its technically not over yet, its been one of the best that ive had in a while.

To start off with I got a half day off at work which allowed me to go see the new batman movie. Which by the way you must go and see. If you don’t there must be something wrong with you.  After that nice little cookout at a friends house. Nothing huge or fancy but nice and chill which iis what I was going for. I know this doesn’t sound all that exciting, but trust me it was highly entertaining.  My friend Meredith and I ended up going to a friends house afterwords and made something called pudding shots.  Oh my, words fail to describe the awesomeness that are pudding shots. Basically its chocolate pudding with chocolate whipped cream mixed in and I swear to you it takes just like a Wendy’s Frosty!

So then it was toke to head on back to the house and pass out for the night. The next day was going to be full of entertaining moments.

Started the day off with my new favorite hiking trail Rough Ridge.  Its not a very long hike or difficult, but the view when you get to the end of the trail is unlike anything you have ever seen. I do have picutres but at the moment are unable to post them on here, so sorry about that.  This was just the beginning of the fun that would ensue on Saturday.

The next adventure involved tubing and beverages. Two great choices. Trust me I know. So we went tubing and by the end of it most of us were all fine, but one of our friends that went, yeah she was a little drunk. Not annoying or stupid drunk but funny drunk.  We get in the van to head back to the cars and our friend who usually wouldnt be this outgoing was basically putting the moves on the driver…and it wasn’t embarrassing or sad haha. She was rather smooth in all honesty! But the real humor in the day was when we found out the people who dropped us off at the entrance to the river were the wring company. Yep that’s right we ended up in a big van with a complete and total stranger. Granted nothing bad happened or would have in this situation but still the fact we are all grown ups who all our lives were told never to do something like that and at our age just did? Its funny yet a little creppy. Maybe we aren’t quite ready to be adults yet.

Well the end of the night we went to portofinos and just hung out there. A good time as always. Good friends, good beverages always make for a good time.  This weekend was exactly what I needed. Just a couple of days to just get away from it all and clear my head for a while. As you’ve read before life’s been a little tough lately, nothing I cant handle but still its been tough and times like this weekend with people you care about can do wonders for the soul.

I do realize though that next weekend someone I consider myself very close to is moving down the mountain. Ok so its not exactly far away from here but still its going to be a little different not having her here with me. Yeah ill be fine just tough to see someone move away. 

Anyways tomorrow I start running again after my little break from running the bear. I really hope to do a 5k soon but really am working towards that half marathon goal.  It really does help the soul to go for a run sometimes. There are those days where I don’t see an escape or things getting better, but go for a run, and at least for a little while things don’t seem as bad. I’m trying to see my life right now as one giant advanture and character building exercise.  Sadly I haven’t done a great job on the character side of all this but I’m getting better at it. Things like this take time and its not going to just magically change overnight but as long as I trycand hang in there, eventually it will pay off.

Ok well as a reminder this blog is not a pitty party or meant to be depressing, hurt anyones feelings or whst not. Its me just saying what I may have a hard time saying and to just let it all out and hopefully grow and learn more about myself. Its still a work in progress but hey this blog will work itself out as time goes on.

Life. ‘Nough Said

Ok so here is my 2nd attempt at starting a.blog. I tried a week ago and had the whole thing written out but nope it got deleted accidently…go figure. So finally I got motivated enough to start again. 
Today is my 28th birthday so hey what a great day to start again.  I kind of want this to be about well my life, mainly with my progress in getting into top shape to run my first marathon next year and well just some of the things going on in my life and how I cope with them. I don’t want thebfocus to be on what the issues are but more about how I deal with them and the result of my actions.

This is more for me more than anything. Yeah,  if you’re reading this I want you to enjoy reading it and possibly get something out of it, but at the end of the day I’m more worried about if this is helping me and growing as a person and nbettering myself. Because Lord knows I don’t feel like I’m doing a great job right now.

Well lets start with running. For the 8th time I ran the bear. A 5 Mike race up grandfather mountain. Oh yeah its a stupid to do as it sounds,but damn it I love running that race. My training wasn’t nearly as much as it should have been but I still beat my goal of running in under an hour! I was nervous that I wouldn’t be able to make it but somehow I came across the finish line at 57:16 and 398th place and I believe that’s out of 800 people give or take a few. It felt like a relief standing on top of that mountain knowing what I had just accomplished. The weight of the world was off my shoulders for that hour…running and then looking out on the world nothing else mattered. I was free.

That’s his I need to handle my stress. Ill be the first person to admit that I suck at dealing with stress sometimes.  But running for that length of time I’m out there that is the best therapy there is for me. I don’t see myself running away from my problems but more like working to become stronger and face them head on. That’s how I know ive had a great run…I finish and I may be so exhausted I can barely stand up but I still feel like I can take on whatever life throws at me. And trust me life has thrown me a couple of curves balls, hell even a couple to the crown jewels. More like they’ve all been thrown there. However, like any true professional you get back up walk it off and get out there and keep playing and that’s what I’m going to do. No matter what happens in my life from here on out, I shall overcome it all.

Birthday and Such

Wow, two posts in two days? This has got to be a new record or something, er well for myself anyways.  So yesterday was my birthday as I mentioned then.  Ended up being a pretty good one.  Started off a little slow due to the fact I had to be responsible and go to work, but afterwards was fun.  Went to dinner with a friend at Proper which was really good.  I had the Meatloaf with Mac and Cheese, and must admit, meatloaf was almost as good as what my mom makes.

After that, ended up just hanging out with my friend until we met up with some friends at Town Tavern for a couple of drinks.  Nothing crazy, because yet again, needed to be responsible.  However, this Saturday, well that might be a different story.  I don’t think anythings going to get out of control but it could be a crazy night.  So far, the plan is to go floating down the river with a big group of people, and then possibly go out that night.  Although, just ending up at a friends house and drinking or whatever could be just as fun.  I just need something to take my mind off of whats been going on.

Yeah, drinking isn’t exactly the best way to deal with the stress, anxiety, or whatever else you may want to call it, I have going on in my life, but it’s my birthday celebration so I’m not worried about it!

Well enough about that and if by some miracle you’re still reading this, thank you for sticking with me.  I promise that isn’t what this blog is supposed to be about, sometimes you just gotta let it all out.  But, with that being said lets just move on.  I’ve taken a few days off from running to let my body recover and heal a little after my race on Thursday.  I think tomorrow is going to be the beginning of my training for a half marathon that’s coming up in September.  Last year I did the same half marathon and did surprisingly well.  I ran it in just over 2 hours, which I was amazed I was able to do.  I really wanted to break 2 hours, so this year I’m sure that i can.

If I plan on accomplishing this goal, I already know that I’m going to have to work harder than I did last year for this race.  This shouldn’t be a problem, but I will admit, I do have a problem with motivation lately.  Somedays, just feels like I just can’t get going.  But, I just need to force myself to do it, and once I get going, I know that i’ll keep at it.

I guess that’s kind of like life.  You have to just get up and keep going.  If you don’t you’ll never achieve your goals, or accomplish anything.